St. Louis Versus Sacramento: An MLS Tale of the Tape

We all keep hearing that when it comes to the next Major League Soccer expansion team that it’s down to our beloved St. Louis and that used up and spit out valley in the middle of California named Sacramento. Why let this go to the judges in some back room somewhere…where the sun doesn’t gleam off of the Gateway Arch and the custard doesn’t flow at Ted Drew’s like the rivers of our youth? Why don’t we decide this for them…in the way Americans love the best…head-to-head competition and smack talk.

That’s what I’m going to do here…a full tale of the tape from celebrities, to landmarks, to previous athletic success! We know deep in our Imo’s loving hearts that STL is the hands down winner over the last California city that anyone wants to visit, but we need the proof in black and white. Here it is friends. Use this…spread the word…the gospel of St. Louis!!!!

Previous Sports Success

We gotta start here. Look, we know it’s a blowout…but we have to see this in writing.

Hoops

It should start and end with this. The St. Louis Hawks of the NBA moved to Atlanta after the 1968 season. Sacramento has had the Kings since 1985. St. Louis still has more NBA titles than SacTown. BOOM. Eat it Mike Bibby.

Baseball

In defense of the fine folks out on the left coast, they do have two championships…wait…hold on…that’s 2 Triple A Championships for something called the Sacramento River Cats? So, not bad…let me check my records right quick on if our Cardinals have more than that…wait…yep.

ELEVEN WORLD SERIES TITLES.

Oct 9, 2013; St. Louis, MO, USA; St. Louis Cardinals starting pitcher Adam Wainwright (50) reacts after defeating the Pittsburgh Pirates in game five of the National League divisional series playoff baseball game at Busch Stadium. The Cardinals won 6-1. Mandatory Credit: Jeff Curry-USA TODAY Sports

They don’t have hockey…they’ve never had football…STL FTW.

Famous Landmarks

I’ll just start with his…on Yelp’s Best 10 Landmarks & Historical Buildings in Sacramento, CA the spot ranked third…THIRD is called “Pee Tunnel.” I did not make that up, nor would I ever.

St. Louis…well…we got this little parabola called the Gateway Arch, a spot called the Fox Theater, The St. Louis Zoo, Forest Park…I’ll call the landmark fight now…let’s let them up, they’ve had enough.

Damn that’s beautiful…who’s cutting onions???

Writers

Look…this is where Sacramento has a slight edge. Yes, we have T.S. Eliot, and Steve Gerber the co-creator of Howard the Duck…but Sacramento has one of my 5 favorite authors of all-time….Joan Didion. Ms. Didion is a towering figure in the last 60 years of writing and we really have no one that could hold her notebooks in my humble opinion. Start with Slouching Towards Bethlehem and move forward from there. You will be better for it. One point for the Sac Valley.

Actors

This one is tough. The people out by Death Valley do have Brie Larson…she’s got one Oscar and is Captain Marvel. They also have Mr. Reading Rainbow LaVar Burton. They got Flash Gordon, Sam Elliot, Eddie freaking Murphy, Jessica Chastain, Molly Ringwald…yeah…16 Candles Molly Ringwald. So…we got ourselves a hill to climb.

And the man on top of that hill? Don Draper. Jon Hamm is an American treasure. The Burroughs grad has two Golden Globes, a Prime time Emmy, a Critics Choice Award, 2 SAG awards,…need I go on???

If Mr. Hamm wasn’t enough we got Quantum Leap’s Scott Bakula, Mr. Sterling K. Brown who has a Golden Globe and Emmy of his own…and was in Black Panther…dude is a a comet of talent and was in one of my favorite SNL skits EVER.

Then we got Cedric the Entertainer, John Friggin’ Goodman from a little flick called The Big Lebowski

(Explicit Language warning)

Yeah… The Lou Wins again.

The Rap Game

From Early-D, and the Black Pearl Mafia, to Nelly, to my peeps in Mathias and the Pirates we got rhymes for days. Sacramento…yeah they do have Blackalicious which is awesome…but…they also got some dudes named C-Bo and T-Nutty???

All signs point to St. Louis….Tell em about it Mathias James.

Finally…let’s put this to rest once and for all.

Rock n’ Roll

For the fine folks in…what “city” was that again??? Oh yeah…Sacramento. Mad props for producing CAKE as they truly are awesome…Plus, The Cramps…damn…this is getting interesting…damn…the Deftones!!!…Ugh…points off for Lee Greenwood…but geeze…they got Cynthia Robinson from Sly and the Family Stone!!! The deeper I dig the more I’m worried. Jeff Watson from Night Ranger…I guess that’s cool? El Hefe from NOFX! One of the founding members of Huey Lewis and the News! Now that is a lineup…Alright Sacramento, as a musician I’ll tip a cap…now let’s look at my beloved Gateway to the West

Wait…who invented Rock n’ Roll and has been ripped off by every guitarist of the last 60 years? Oh Yeah. Chuck Berry. No, I wouldn’t trust him near my wife, but the dude is the father, creator, and undisputed God of Rock N’ Roll. Also a nod to Mr. Johnnie Johnson…the man owned the keys.

Then, Miles Davis. Yes, the only Miles Davis.

Then, The King of Ragtime Scott Joplin

Then, one of the coolest men to ever walk God’s green Earth…Mr. Albert King.

Look, they have the numbers and this was a lot closer than I thought it was gonna be…but we have the higher quality. St. Louis wins again.

The Verdict

This doesn’t go to the judges…this is a knockout for the STL baby! There really isn’t anything left to discuss, is there? St. Louis gets the next MLS team and we all live happily ever after…once we learn the rules…come up with some awesome chants…arrange to have Heavy Riff supply the beer…and get Daryl Doran to kick the first kick.

Tell your friends…spread this word!!! This team is ours!!! Muhahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!

Until that announcement ultimately comes down…long live Joan Didion

Follow Sauls on Twitter @Will_ArchCity