You guys, I don’t want to alarm anyone, but there’s something we should probably acknowledge right here and now in the safety of this space. The Cardinals have gotten off to a WEE BIT of a sluggish start.
IT’S TRUE! They are playing very questionable baseball right now! They are not winning very many games! IT’S BEEN ABOUT AS FUN AS FALLING DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS WITH A CHAIN SAW!
At first, it was kind of adorable, like, “gee, aren’t these shucksters playing us for a laugh!” Then it was kind of like when a friend at a party carries on too long about cryptocurrency or 9-11 conspiracy theory videos they saw on Tik Tok. Like, “dammit, Sheryl, who let Derek, have another gin and tonic?!?” However, this underwhelming run was only ever going to be a small blip on the radar. A minor irritant. A singular fly in the ointment. Something we would all chuckle and chortle about right around the beginning of August like a bunch of self-satisfied assholes. The Cardinals were no doubt going to course correct off this detour down Dumpster Fire Drive sooner rather than later. How couldn’t they? Have you guys seen this lineup?!? And despite the fact that I’m usually one of the first to devolve into unchecked hysteria, I actually feel like I demonstrated a remarkable amount of patience and clarity through those first couple of weeks. Why worry, amiright? LET’S LAY OFF THE AIR RAID ALARM! It was only a matter of time before things started to gel and we were back to chewing up the division and making fun of the Cubs LIKE GOD INTENDED.
That has very decidedly NOT HAPPENED.
We are now a full month into the season and it has gotten to a point where I’m entirely convinced this team might not win another series until long after I’m dead and my ashes are spread over the birthplace of my boyfriend Adam Wainwright. My expectations, as it turns out, were catastrophically off the mark!
WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?!? I’m sincerely asking! I know we were all concerned about starting pitching going into the season and while that has certainly caused a few whiplash inducing eyerolls, it hasn’t been the sole problem. Is there an issue with game management? Do the guys suffer from poor conditioning and preparation? Has there just been an overall breakdown of team chemistry? DOES JORDAN HICKS HATE US?
I genuinely do not know. The one thing I’m certain of is that if the Cardinals somehow manage to thunder back up the standings, no one will be more mystified than me. I mean, things are currently being held together with sticks and glue by none other than Paul DeJong. WHAT KIND OF WITCHCRAFT IS THIS? Even the bright spots of the season have felt like they exist in an alternate universe. Nothing makes sense in a very END OF DAYS kind of way. And until things begin to sort themselves out, you can find me down in my nuclear fallout shelter curled in the fetal position with a gas-powered generator and a can of beans.
