1990, you guys. That’s the last time the St. Louis Cardinals finished the season in last place in the National League.
“Ghost” was in movie theaters and inexplicably made pottery cool (gross) for couples EVERYWHERE. Mariah Carey released her debut album, thus setting the stage for all of us to be bludgeoned about the earholes by “All I Want for Christmas” for 13 hours a day one month out of the year. 43-year-old Nolan Ryan threw his sixth no hitter in 1990. The Cincinnati Reds spent the summer making a mockery of the National League and went on to take the World Series crown over Oakland, an overall scenario now that seems nearly as implausible as me being nominated for a Nobel Prize. I was only nine years old at the time, so unless there was a Care Bear involved, I wasn’t even paying attention to why my dad was punting perfectly good furniture across the living room. (Which looking back on it, was probably the most sensible approach I’ve ever taken with sports in general.)
The point is it has been quite a long time!
Since then, the Cardinals have gone on to become one of the most successful franchises of the new millennium, chalking up 16 postseason appearances and two World Series victories since 2000. The most glaring statistic might be that over the last 23-year stretch, the Cardinals have logged only ONE losing season. That would have been the 2007 squad, which is baffling on its face. We had Rolen! We had Albert! We had Yadi! Rick Ankiel was inexplicably in the OUTFIELD. My boyfriend Adam Wainwright was coming out of the bullpen as the closer. Baby Brad Thompson was still in uniform! Jason Isringhausen was working out of bases loaded jams (that he created!) like some sort of bipolar jedi. I think Chris Carpenter probably ate his first baby that summer, but I don’t know this for certain. In any event, this was not a team one would expect to eek out a measly 78 wins and a third place finish in the division.
Fast forward to now, the Cardinals are 8.5 games out and in last place in the division, flopping around the bowels of the NL with the Washington Nationals and the Colorado Rockies. This gaggle of wunderkinds is on pace to win 66 games.
Like, TOTAL.
We’ve got Goldy and Nado and the other Norman and Willson and NOOOOOOT and more infielders than you can throw a shoe at. By all accounts, THIS SHOULD NOT BE HAPPENING TO US.
Our current state of affairs is inconceivable to me as part of the spoiled and entitled generation of fans that came of age over the last 20 odd years. The privilege of watching a consistently successful baseball team has been taken sooooo far for granted. There are catalogs of horribly depressing country songs written about presumptuous and smug ne’er-do-wells such as myself. Such hubris! It’s all been so humbling.
That being said, can we…NOT do this? Having rubbed elbows with the unwashed masses of sad baseball fans everywhere for the past two months, I can safely say that I am ready to “Undercover Boss” my way out of the janitorial closet and back into the boardroom. It smells nice in there. Sometimes there’s pastries! And almost never do I have to talk to Cubs fans as though they are equals. I have just not been hardened enough to live in a world where that happens with any degree of regularity.
