Home Baseball 5 Insane Cardinals’ Predictions…That Just Might Come True

5 Insane Cardinals’ Predictions…That Just Might Come True

by W.E. Sauls

It’s that time of year again. Hope springs eternal and every friend of Fredbird can smell the spring and envision the parade already. If there is one thing we in St. Louis love more than baseball it’s…well…absolutely nothing. If these 5 predictions below fall into place our Birds will hoist that trophy and give us all the fall we deserve. No more intro. All you care about is the list. 

Brett Cecil Throws a Pitch

Jordan Walden 2.0 has been a bit of a disappointment since coming down from the land of Champlain back in 2017. When he arrived in the gateway the word “dominating” was thrown around. Thus far all he has dominated is the cash register at Clarkson Eyecare and the ink on the injured list. My insane prediction for Mr. Cecil this year is that he throws a pitch in a regular season Major League game. A feat of this sort by Brett hasn’t been seen by a set of St. Louis eyes since days yonder in 2018. Go get some Mr. Cecil…the public lays in coiled anticipation of your ballyhooed return to the bump

Look…it can happen

Harrison Bader learns the definition of the phrase “A Slider outside the strike zone.” 

Remember, these are “Insane Predictions.” Though Tots and his flowing locks can catch anything hit into centerfield with relative ease, his range at the dish is more extended than Pete Rose’s line of credit at Caesar’s Palace. If the 25 year old Bader can learn that when a slider from a right hander starts outside it will finish even further outside he could be an everyday centerfielder. If not…hey…you guys remember Peter Bourjos? Or…wait…Miguel Mejia???

Matt Carpenter recalls the time when he hit the ball the other way. If you’ve only been watching our Birds the last 4 seasons let me weave you a yarn your brain may never believe. Back before launch angle and exit velocity where all the rage, some people believed that hitting the ball where absolutely no defenders were standing was a good thing. I know…willing suspension of disbelief friends. 

The year was 2013…the last year our Cardinals won a pennant…and Marp had 199 hits and only 98 strikeouts. Feel free to open another tab on your browser and look for yourself. I swear it to be true! In 2013 Marp was one of the best 10 players in baseball. He looked like the next superstar…then they began to tinker. Folks thought it wasn’t enough for him to have a Pujols like 6.6 WAR. He needed more! He needed to pull the ball every single AB until he retired. He’s big and strong!! Why is he only focused on hitting .318 and banging 55 doubles?? Hit the ball way up in the air…who wants line drives to the gap and rally starting pokes past the third baseman??? Because if there is one thing all analytics seam-heads can agree on…it’s that even if you strike out 150 times, at least you didn’t have those boring singles through the left side. 

Tyler O’Neill hits 40 Home Runs

There are only two things between Tyler O’Neill and 40 bombs; the injured list and breaking balls. I am obsessed with the potential of this guy. Mostly because he looks like a He-Man doll come to life, but also because of his all around game. He’s one of the fastest guys in the bigs, plays an above average outfield, and can absolutely destroy a baseball. I’m talking 5 toddlers after a cupcake party destroy. It’s just those JoBu not helping with…Pedro Serrano defying breaking balls. The curve ball has ended the career of many a man with far better of a swing than I…just don’t let it be Tyler. 

Good Lord, look at this.

The Cardinals will make an actual trade for an impact player that isn’t someone coming off of the DL that is “better than any trade they could have made.” 

Just you wait…the big trade the Cardinals are planning on selling to all of us is Jordan Hicks coming off of the DL. “At the end of the day, this is better than any deal we could have made. It strengthens our entire bullpen and gives us flexibility without sacrificing anything…and blah blah blah blah blah.”

Can we just make something happen? Anything? Remember when we dealt Colby Rasmus for a load of impact arms and then…I don’t remember what happened? Oh yea…we WON THE WORLD SERIES. Just give us one thing to get excited about, to make us believe we can compete with the Dodgers, Astros, Yankees, and Red Sox. Please don’t make us feel like the god damned Brewers anymore. Can we just stop being the team that “if everything breaks our way” we might win the pennant. Because since Albert left…that is what we have been. 

Can you all believe with me? Can we lock arms and march into 2020 with our minds open to these nearly unfathomable possibilities? I mean…I really doubt it. We’ve been watching this movie over and over and the Cards do what the Cards do. They plan for the future ad infinitum and sacrifice the present for potential until that potential dies in a AAA ballpark somewhere in the Mississippi River Valley. But man….if O’Neill gets hot and Marp starts spraying the ball!!! If Cecil is healthy and Bader lays off the junk???? 100 wins here we come! 

We can’t stop watching. We won’t stop watching. They’re always just good enough to give us all a tinge of belief. We’ll stay glued from April till, God-willing, October. Because, as the great Roy Hobbs once said, “God I love baseball.”

W.E. Sauls is a native St. Louisan, a graduate of the University of Missouri, the front man of the band Money for Guns, and the host of Arch City Debates which will soon launch its second season. 

+ posts

Related Articles

1 comment

5 Insane Cardinals Predictions that Just Might Come True: Revisited | ArchCity.Media July 6, 2020 - 18:26

[…] in the spring of 2020, which was somehow 11 years ago, I made some predictions based on nothing but wild dreams, 7 cups of coffee, and desire to simultaneously elate and […]

Comments are closed.