There are things in life I will never understand. Why do people put the remote on top of the television? Why don’t all the doors on my car unlock the first time I hit the unlock button? Why is Cardi B a celebrity, like what does she do? And how they’re still working on I-44?? It’s been covered in orange barrels since the mid-80s. Is this some insurance MO-Dot scam?
But above all…is Justin Bieber.
Does he still play music? Is he on some Canadian TV show I don’t know about? Did I miss some meeting back in 2013 when we all just decided he gets to stay famous no matter what? I feel like he’s 2 years away from replacing Dave Navarro on that tattoo challenge reality show.
I get it, it’s for charity, it’s a nice thing. 10 shots to score on Jordan Binnington. Bieber is Canadian so as my man Carter Chapley would confirm they are all born with two missing front teeth and a pair of skates…so the Biebs can probably handle the stick. But we can do much much better than this.
This is what we need
A line of 10 Canadians. 10 people who are currently “Standing on Guard.” 10 children of Champlain. 10 people who were forced to learn French. 10 people who don’t know why, but are ready to apologize to you. And here is the list.
10 Canadians. One Shot each.
1. Kyle Lowry- Yeah, he’s not technically Canadian, but he’s Canada hot right now. He just helped the Raptors secure the first NBA title in the history of the county. Despite being from Philly, he has to be a Maple Leafs fan by now? He’s six feet tall, built like a bowling ball, and is currently weighed down by that championship ring. Binnington shuts him down…but a good way to kick off the contest.
2. Mike Meyers dressed as Austin Powers in a Maple Leafs jersey- Look, Wayne can skate. He’s a die hard Leafs fan, has played hockey since childhood, and is a true Canadian. But, he is 56 and a little soft in the middle. I give the edge to Binnington… but Goldmember could pull the Gordon Bombay triple deke and sneak one by…juts look at these skills.
3. Hayden Christensen- Yeah, Darth effing Vader. He’s a spry 38, looks to still be in shape, was born a Canucks fan, and has the frigging FORCE! No matter what Bennington tries, Hayden will score. “This is not the puck you want to stop.” Boom. Back of the net. Binnington 0, Lord Vader 1.
4. Joshua Jackson- Yes. Pacey. Let us not forget his first ticket to fame. He is THE Mighty Duck of all Mighty Ducks. Sure, he doesn’t have the Knuckle Puck from Good Burger…but he led his squad to a title in the Goodwill Games in southern California! But, he sucked in the first two movies, then was the leading scorer or something? D3 really went off the rails. Anyway…Binnington just has to scream “VAN DER BEEK!!!!” as Jackson winds up and it’s all over.
But, god this is beautiful…
5. Alanis Morissette– She was born a Senator…gave us Jagged Little Pill…replaced Bryan Adams as Canada’s torch bearing rock star, and played God in Dogma. She is Canadian royalty…but her playing hockey…I’d consider than purely…Ironic. Save goes to Binnington. You live…you learn.
6. Jim Carrey dressed as Ave Ventura- The only reason I want Ace is because I don’t think he could hold that Fire Marshall Bill Burns face while skating. The Cable Guy is all arms and legs and probably runs like a new born horse…but he has a boat load of cash to donate to charity. Though Jim doesn’t stand a chance, he’s good for comic relief as we enter the back half of the contest.
P.S. LET ME SHOW YA SOMETHIN’
7. Shania Twain- The Wonder of Windsor has to be on this list. Shania is and will always be a bad ass. No, she won’t score a goal…but who cares? She can sing the national anthem…then as the applause dies down…she looks straight into the camera and says…
“Man…I feel like some hockey!!!”
8. Ben Johnson- He may have been born in Jamaica, but Ben Johnson was a sprinter for the Canadian Olympic team. Yes, he may have taken enough PEDs to choke a Saskatchewan pack mule…but so did everyone else in the 80’s in Olympic Village. Ben needs his second act…and he needs it on speed skates…with a stick. One caveat, he must wear that sprinter’s unitard whilst on the ice. Despite this, Jordan will shut Johnson down just like the IOC did back in ’88.
9. Jason Priestly- I am a 90210 fan…and Brandon Walsh was the GOAT of 90’s teen drama heartthrobs. Plus…if you recall the episode so vividly…as I do. He was at one point destined to be a hockey star…Sydney Crosby before Sydney Crosby. But, his father decided that he “wanted a son…and not a superstar.” Heartstrings = pulled. The footage exists…he can skate. I see a wicked wrister that Binnington doesn’t glove…but bangs off the cross bar and falls harmlessly behind the net. Close one Binny.
10. Rick Moranis- Dark friggin Helmet! The Key Master is the closer. Yeah…he shrunk his kids…then himself and his wife…then he blew up his baby to the size of the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man, but he has the power of The Schwartz! In the galaxy it is the only thing stronger than the Force itself. Sure Lonestar defeated him…but he has laid in wait for over 30 years for his revenge…and he shall have it on Binnington!!!
8-2 Gets ya in the Hall
All in all, 8-2 for JB and a strong showing. Not the best save percentage, but he was only bested by space magic twice. Against mere mortals he was a…force…to be reckoned with 🙂
So please, if any of you know Jordan. Get this to him…talk about made for TV…the ratings would be insane…the advertisers would have a field day, and we’d all get to witnesses a parade of Canadian Royalty we haven’t seen since Robbie had the Last Waltz!
Until Next time…long live the knuckle puck.