Can’t we just fire Mike Matheny again?

Seriously…look…hear me out. I know it’s not really his fault..but…I mean it kinda is.

There are so many borderline all-stars out there on other teams absolutely killing it that we dropped faster than Kyle Schwarber drops a routine fly ball. They couldn’t make it here for so many reasons put forth by management my public school educated mind can’t keep track. Then overnight, magically, they put on some new uni’s and boom, they’re stars!

Maybe it has to do with Matheny, maybe it has to do with the fact that this Cardinals front office rewards players who hit .220 with multi-year $18.5 mil extensions, and look like they’re going to let a former Gold Glover and Silver Slugging guy on a pace to put up the best numbers since prime Pujols walk…in their defense he did wear a lime green compressions sleeve.

Sometimes it seems like the best thing that can happen to a player is to get dumped by the Cardinals like Jen dumped Dawson…that’s what happened, right?? I mean, good for Michelle Williams…talk about winning in an absolute blowout.

Anyway… I’m going to show you 8 former Cards that are better at their position than what we are currently sloughing out there everyday. Buckle up…this is going to take a lot of weird references to the 80’s and 90’s, and cartoons of my youth to convince you. But, you will be convinced. By god, you will be convinced…

We start with my dude. T-Pham

Source: Scott Kane/Getty Images North America

Tommy Pham-CF: Oh you St. Louisans love you some Harrison Bader don’t ya?? Boy oh boy does he hustle…isn’t that hair nice…wasn’t it wise we threw out Tommy Pham like rotten spinach bought from Soulard Farmers’ Market two weeks ago you just rediscovered in the vegetable drawer at the bottom of the fridge?

Ol’ Bader Tots is the next Andy Van Slyke!!! No…he ain’t. Ya know what he is? An above average defender and waaaay below average hitter. You know how bad he is at getting on base? He has the same number of steals after three months of the season as Yadier Molina. 4. He has 4 stolen bases. Matt Carpenter runs at the speed of smell and he has 6! Here is the tale of tape Bader versus Tommy Pham in 2019

Pham AVG: .284, HR: 13, RBI: 35, OPS: .852, WAR: 2.6

Bader AVG: .206, HR: 6, RBI: 19, OPS: .696, WAR 1.1

Tommy Pham is literally twice the player Harrison Bader is. Twice the player. Why do you like Harrison more in a Redbird uni? WHY DO YOU LIKE HIM MORE????????

Look at this swing…

Like Voit- 1B: We threw Luke away because we had Matt Carpenter. The same Matt Carpenter that has had 3 good months in the last 9 months of baseball. He has literally been good ⅓ of the time. Then, because Carpenter has been so bad we had to trade Luke Weaver for Paul Goldschmidt? Imagine if we had just kept Luke Voit and his barrel chest???

Let’s do a 3-Way Tale of the Tape Shall we??

Voit AVG: .280, HR: 17, RBI: 50, OPS: .901, WAR 1.7

Marp AVG: .216, HR: 10, RBI: 28, OPS: .706, WAR 0.2

Goldy AVG: .246, HR: 14, RBI: 31, OPS: .741, WAR 0.8

How did we let this dude walk??? He is going to hit 35 dongs, drive in 100, and look like an absolute Pete Incaviglia/Jose Canseco hybrid. What is not to love???? Oh yeah…Matt Carpenter got hot at the age of 31 for 9 weeks so we needed to commit to him from now until the oceans finally boil. Instead of paying Luke Voit 600k a year at ages 28-30 we decided it was smarter to pay Matt Carpenter $18.5 million until he’s 35.

…and don’t get me started on not signing Mike Moustakas. Just check his stats…GOOD GOD.

P.S.Look at these heart throbs…

Randall Grichuk-OF: I have a biased undying love for Randall, it’s true…so my judgement may be clouded. Still, as cool as Dex is, Randall is a better ball player for the $$$ right now. I will not denigrate Dex in any way, I will simply lay forth his numbers at your feet and you can decide as to whom should be patrolling RF in the STL.

Randall: AVG: .236 HR: 15, RBI: 38, OPS: .720, WAR 0.3, Salary: 5 mil this year, 10 mil the next 4

Dexter: AVG: .243 HR: 8, RBI: 47, OPS: .744, WAR 1.2, Salary: 16.5 million this and the next 2 years

Yeah, Dex is better, but he ain’t $11.5 mil better.

Now…let’s talk pitching…ya know that thing that everyone says win championships???

Luke Weaver-SP: Yes, I do love me some Goldy, but please refer back to the Voit section of this article. The press, the fans, and the front office couldn’t drop this kid fast enough. He is 25, he throws smoke, and is right now sitting on a 4-3 record with a 3.03 ERA. An ERA that would be the lowest of any starter in the current rotation. This is an ERA more than a run lower that Flaherty, Mikolas, Wacha, and Waino. Plus, I mean, have we ever had a player that looks more Jefferson County than Luke Weaver?

Lance Lynn-SP: I love a big chubby dude who eats innings and throws smoke. That is Lance Lynn. He looks like a dude that is 3rd in command at a moving company, but still has to spend a couple days a week on the truck. The Cards would not sign him. I still do not understand this to this day. They let him walk for nothing. He is now hurling down in Texas to the tune of a 10-4 record, a flat 4.00 ERA, and a 3.4 WAR. He would still be exactly what he was when he was here. One of the best 3’s in the NL.

Marco Gonzales-SP: Yeah, Tyler O’Neil looks like what would happen if a HE-MAN doll came to life and spent 3 days in a tattoo artist’s chair, but I’d rather have a 27 year old lefty who’s probably gonna average 14 wins and 185 IP for the next 6 years.

Greg Holland-RP: Dude…what in the holy name of Ray Lankford happened? Greg Holland in KC, awesome. Greg Holland in Colorado, awesome. Greg Holland in Washington, absolutely unhittable. Greg Holland in Arizona, amazing. Greg Holland with Mike Matheny…a worse relief pitcher than Aaron Miles.

Steve Cishek-RP: I’m sure Nations will give me an 11 minute history lesson on Thursday as to why we didn’t resign Cishek, but looking back nothing comes to mind. Since leaving the city of my birth after 2015 he has been one of the best relievers in the game. Sure he throws like a skeet shooting machine, but hey…whatever works.

That’s my 8…that’s the list.

Yeah, I could keep digging deeper, but the word count is getting up there and I’ve already mentioned Ray Lankford, so there is really no reason to go further. Let me end with this. Are we sure Mo, Girsch, and the rest of the front office are actually good? This is a lot of misses. I know this is the age of home run , strike out, or walk..but damn…this is a lot of strikeouts.

Until the tide turns, long live Pete Incaviglia