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The Golden State Warriors are Climate Change

by W.E. Sauls

The NBA in STL: Vol 1 Episode 5

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We tell ourselves stories about this being natural…that things ebb and flow through history. We ignore the scientists who study and track this all day everyday, and instead we listen to politicians and profiteers. But, like the slow grinding inevitability of the death of everything that climate change will bring to our doorsteps…the Warriors are the end. They are the Omega.

Jesus…that was dark. Sorry friends, it’s been a day. Anyhoo…

The Warriors won this title 3 years ago. They won it the moment Kevin Durant signed that contract. Yet I still see TV “experts” talking about how X team or Y team can beat the Warriors if they can blah blah yadda yadda. They can’t, they won’t, they never could…they never…not once…stood a chance. The Warriors just tore through the last two rounds of the Western Conference without Kevin Durant. WITHOUT KEVIN DURANT. Now, you want to explain to me…someone who has been watching this league for 30 years…that the Toronto Raptors can beat them???

Fine…let’s dance dummy…here’s your trip to the woodshed.

Dubs V. Raps

We will go position by position, 1-7 in the rotation for each matchup, then you can hand write me your apology and send it straight to hades where your “opinion” belongs.

PG: Steph Curry and Kyle Lowry: Do I need to type a sentence now? One has 2 MVP’s, 3 rings, and is one of the 3 greatest shooters to ever walk this planet. The other is named Kyle Lowry.

SG: Klay Thompson and Danny Green: Danny Green has a beautiful jumper…but Klay Thompson has a quicker release than Dan Marino on speed. You have to guard Danny, but even if you guard Klay he could drop 40 in about 45 seconds and then go record another Color Me Bad record.

SF: Durant and Kawhi: Well, well, well…this one is a tough one. Two finals MVPs, 2 champs, 2 freaks of athletic nature…have you seen Leonard’s hands? I love Kawhi, but KD is all-time. But…Kevin is limping and Leonard has those dead eyes and that creepy ass laugh that rattle your soul. For this series, I give a nod to Kawhi.

PF: Siakam and Draymond: I hate Draymond Green with the power of 1,000 suns on the verge of becoming neutron stars. Conversation over.

C: Marc Gasol and Andrew Bogut: Clear cut win to the North as the Spaniard is superior to the Aussie. But man…who would win a drinking contest? Beer…easily Bogut, but wine…I have to go with Gasol. Tie

FYI: They drink like this in Spain…

6th man: Serge and Iggy: Iggy whines more than a 7 year-old nicotine addict who just ran out of Pall Malls. Just the look on his pouty face with his arms in that “What did I do” pose make me want to pour lemonade in my eyes and never watch hoops again. I’ll take SEEEEEERGEEEE any day.

Side note: Who the hell thought this soda would work?? And who in god’s name green lit this commercial after reading the storyboards???

7th man: VanFleet and Livingston: Shaun Livingston shouldn’t be able to walk after what happened to his knee so long ago. Without that injury he would have most likely racked up half a dozen All-NBA Honors, 5 or 6 All-Star nods…the dude was limitless. But even the best laid plans of mice and men. VanFleet has been hotter than John Stamos circa season 6 of Full House. With the Raps starting this series at home I see him having a huge impact in games 1-2. Edge to whichever guy is playing at home.

In all, I’m calling Dubs in 6. The Raps will win at least one of these first two and at least one out on the left coast. That’s it, that’s the ballgame. It’ll be entertaining to watch, but the inevitability of the Warriors brings me an occasional yawn. The offseason will be filled with free agent drama. Who signs where…how long till we see the Knicks strike out again…will Boston shed Kyrie like a snake sloughs off dead skin? These are all storylines worth following.

But,  until then, Long Live the Claw over the Freak

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